As I sit at work, it’s close to 1:15 am, all I hear is the hum of computer fans, clicking of keys on the keyboard and the TV cover the local news. Thoughts rush through my heads like floodwaters through gates. Thoughts of love, life, happiness, saddness, hope, despair and baseball.
I thought that I would sit down and write a very personal blog about all of these thoughts, but instead, all these ideas are swirling around in my head no stop. Ideas about everything, from how to save money to fix problems to telling someone that you still love them.
Everytime I get ready to type, all of these thoughts and ideas just jam together, like a hodge podge of food on a plate, all being mixed together by a young child who does not want to eat.
The cause of a lot of pleasure and pain in my life comes from my work. I love it the majority of the time, but I’ve also learned to loathe my profession. For the first time that I can remember, I actually felt emotionally involved in an assignment.
Not that I had anything to gain or loose, but most of the time, I am just there as an observer, a visual recorder. This lady stood in front of an audience of about 100 + people and talked about the loosing her son in a drunk driving accident. And I actually listened.
A lot of times, when you go to an assignment, there a tendency to say “hey, I’m not a part of this” and you don’t become emotionally involved and other times, it’s hard to ignore. This wednesday, as this subject stood in front of the audience, grieving, you could physically hear her pain as she described her final days with her son. It was hard to ignore, even harder to say “hey, this will never happen to me”
Her body language, her tears, her trembling voice, it was all too much for me. To hear her say that she still hears her son’s voice everyday, to hear her talk about driving past his grave everyday, it was amazing that she was able to talk about it, it must be hard.
It reminded me of everytime I drank, not that I drove or rode with a drunk driver, but all of the times it could have happened, and remembering that I wasn’t even thinking about it sometimes. God I’m stupid.